Boyne Writers Group

BOYNE WRITERS GROUP Trim, County Meath, Ireland held a competition for satirical work (prose or poetry) in commemoration of Jonathan Swift, the author of such works as Gullivers Travels, A Tale of a Tub, A Modest Proposal, who was a politically powerful figure - an early personification of what we would nowadays call a Spin Doctor, in the England of the late 1600s, early 1700s. His pen was said to be the mightiest sword in the land.

Choice of subjects:

A Tale Of A Tiger: Fat Cats Bring Down The Big Cat OR Banks and Bankers: A Modest Proposal

Entries were judged on the basis of satire, irony, absurd humour, acute political insight, grotesque imagination, and lacerating wit - the hallmarks of Swifts best works.

RESULTS:

Winner: David Rowell, Churchtown, Dublin
2nd: Joe Barry, Kilcock, Co Kildare
3rd: Kate Smith, St Neots, Cambridgeshire, UK


SHORTLIST

The follow were shortlisted:

Stephen Brady, Ashford, Co Wicklow;
Miles Cain, York, UK;
John Clarke, Middlesex, UK;
Maureen Gallagher, Rahoon, Galway
Peter Goulding, Castaheany, Dublin;
Iggy McGovern, Clonskeagh, Dublin;
Jamie Ward, Ballybay, Co Monaghan

The judge for the competition was Ivan Yates chairman and managing director of Celtic Bookmakers and a former Fine Gael politician and government minister. The winner will read his winning entry at the Swift Summer Night in the Knightsbrook Hotel, Trim on 5th July.

This competition was held in conjunction with the Trim Swift Festival, which takes place in Trim from Thursday, July 2, to Sunday, July 5, 2009.

Winning Entry:

Tiger Missing - Reward for Recovery

Erin the tiger is still out of town,
licking the wounds that of late brought her down.
We need to find out where she's living these days
to guide us all back to our happier ways.
But before we can find her and redress her fate
some facts of her trials I first must relate,
of the Fat Cats who trapped her and caused her to fail,
and brought trouble to the bless'd land of the Gael.

The first one to strike was Developer Joe,
a cigar-smoking cat with a Rolls-Royce in tow.
He bought Erin's best land, and with instinct well-honed,
fed cream to his hirelings to have it rezoned.
When permission came through, he built new houses quick
and sold them on smoothly, that was his trick,
to gullible cats who paid over the odds
which Developer Joe took with a laugh, the poor sods.

Now developer cats need plenty of money,
they slurp it right up like a bear slurps up honey,
so Joe turned to another cat, Billy the Banker,
who some others suggested was only a messer.
So the next to strike Erin and bring her disgrace,
was fat Billy, who was very well known round the place,
an affluent tabby, well-marked and replete
with bonus commissions of best fish and meat.
With an all-knowing smile he lent money to Joe;
it would come back to him safely, with interest, you know.

Erin had a guardian to deal with all that,
Bertram the friendly Political Cat.
She was quite happy to leave things to him,
her place would be safe as the castle in Trim.
Bertram was the cat who should have said 'Whoa',
but instead of supporting her, struck the next blow.
He thought Joe and Billy the decentest cats,
had met them in Galway, in a tent. Just like that.
He stood eating his Whiskas and slaking his thirst
while Developer and Banker cats both did their worst.
Now Bertram went missing, gone in the night,
leaving Brian the kitten to clean up the mess,
though Brian himself, no innocent he,
had helped Bertram to put the Fat Cats on the spree.

'Hold on', you may say, 'was it only those three
Who did all the damage, please answer me?
Why didn't other cats strike a strong blow
for good Erin the tiger, now temporarily low?'
Your question's well put and right on the beam,
they were too busy keeping their heads in the cream,
eating the best fish and driving cat-cars,
on Saturdays drinking in swanky cat-bars,
and more of the same that's not very nice,
instead of real cats they were nothing but mice,
mice in cat's clothing that was quite clear,
who let the Fat Cats do what they wanted, oh dear.

'Please get back to the present', I now hear you say,
'I am anxious to learn the real state of the play'.
We hired a detective who traced her, quite neat,
to the Dublin Zoo, an executive suite.
Every dog has its day, with tigers the same,
now Erin is keen to be back in the game.
It's unnatural to keep this Big Cat in a cage,
she wants to return to the national stage.

Her stripes have healed up and her wounds are all dry,
the symmetry's back in her immortal eye,
she's sure of what happened, it's simple indeed,
it was brought on by nothing but old-fashioned greed.

She was totally clear what her diet should be
(she said it herself to no lesser than me).
She has enough greens, carbohydrates too,
(they dish you up plenty of those in the zoo).
What will get her going again she will say
is a well balanced diet with meat every day-
Developers - Monday Wednesday and Sat,
Bankers on alternate days, fancy that.
Weekends? Politicians, you won't be surprised ,
but only provided they're well tenderised.

David Rowell